Go ahead. Ask for compliments.
“Daisies infinite Uplift in praise their little growing hands, O'er every hill that under heaven expands.” - Ebenezer Elliott
I want to briefly talk about compliments. Very few people have an open channel for compliments. We’ve been taught that wanting compliments is vain, and fishing for them outright is even worse. But guess what - compliments help us raise our self-esteem, feel supported and loved, and help create a foundation for believing in ourselves.
I’m in a tight-knit friend group of 3 other beautiful strong goddesses. We’re all as different as could be, but we value the same things: growth, empowerment, health, spirituality, divine feminine, magic. And because we value those same things, it helps us see our differences and appreciate the hell out of them. That appreciation allows all of us to freely give eachother compliments constantly. It’s a joy for us to give them, and it’s a joy for us to receive them as well. I didn’t realize how life-changing this practice could be until I met them and built these relationships. Having a constant stream of encouragement and compliments from people I love has made me a stronger person, a more confident person, a more vulnerable person, and a more loving person.
My lovely friend group Zooming with me. Compliments from across the distance.
Another potent force for compliments is in my current relationship. I can ask my partner for compliments, and he freely and happily gives them. He doesn’t give me shit for asking, not at all. Instead, he uses it as an opportunity to fill me with gratitude and joy. Many times, he’ll start with a compliment about my strength or my spirit, or something about my mind, and then he’ll follow up with a compliment about my looks. This is a magical combo for me. In turn, he’ll do the same thing, by asking me specific questions that are about things I think about him or feel about him, and I am always so happy to answer. It’s this continuous loop of love and appreciation and attention, with no shame in our desire to have it. He lifts my spirits all the time because of it.
I thought that right now might be a good time for folks to try practicing this with their loved ones. We’re all craving real connection, and many of us are struggling with our mental health. Thoughtful attention and validation from eachother can only help.
You also may notice these 3 things when trying this more intentionally as a practice:
1. By examining your ability to give or receive compliments with a specific person, it quickly illuminates your level of vulnerability and openness with that person, and where you could be giving or receiving more love.
2. You’ll realize the art of compliment giving. To truly give good compliments, it requires that you see the other person on multiple levels, it requires that you pay attention to them and to your relationship with them.
3. You’ll notice how quickly you may want to argue with the compliment, or push back on it. Let me remind you: this is not the correct way to receive a compliment. This is some bad programming you’ve received, the programming that tells you you’re not worthy of it. Practice how you receive. Choose words carefully. When you are able to respond with, “Thank you! That’s true!” To a compliment, you know you’ve reached peak receiving. I also often use “Thank you. I am fully receiving that compliment!” To express my gratitude and also to remind myself to take a moment, take a breath, and take in the compliment. Also, don’t feel bad if you can’t always receive them in that way. There are some days where I still push back and respond to compliments with, “I cannot receive this compliment right now.” I know it sounds silly but responding in these ways also helps me to regulate how I’m feeling and where I’m blocked.
Wanting to receive compliments is not a sign of weakness. If we can give and receive them freely, it’s an easy opportunity to feel seen and appreciated and make others feel seen and appreciated as well. You’ll also notice that when you receive compliments, you want to naturally continue the practice by passing it on. And you never know who really needs to hear it today.